Empty Moon
by CatchingtheMoonlight
Summary: Edwards POV of New Moon. The pain that he goes through leaving Bella.
1. Chapter 1

**This is how I imagined Edward as he left Bella. He was there locked away on the inside, but he couldn't be heard on the outside. I feel like he wasn't ever honest with Bella about how much he was dying inside, and that she never understood.**

_A natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body, in which the eyes usually close and consciousness is completely or partially lost, so that there is a decrease in bodily movement and responsiveness to external stimuli. During sleep the brain in humans and other mammals undergoes a characteristic cycle of brain-wave activity that includes intervals of dreaming._

I was sleeping.

Who says that my kind cannot sleep? I'm far from human, yet I can sleep as a human does. I never thought I could before, but here I am, _sleeping_.

My eyes were open on the outside, yet inside they were closed. I had no response at all to anything going on around me. Nothing connected fully with me. I was sleeping, living in that peaceful and beautiful state of sleep. Yet, at the same time, it was turned to a personal hell as I was forced to somewhere, deep inside, be awake while I slept. Being forced to watch what was happening, yet not being able to wake up. These were my dreams, my nightmares. Yet they were actually happening, not just a movie playing in my mind, and some part of me knew that.

I was ripping myself apart. Slowly, devastatingly, completely, I willingly tore myself into pieces. And today, it was time to tear apart the last one. Then I'd be left to rest in pieces, alone. Whatever part of me was still awake didn't seem to mind the pain. I welcomed it, instead. It blinded me.

I locked myself away inside. Every part of me that mattered, the part that knew and loved my Bella. The part that cared. The part that had ever mattered.

I locked myself away, and let the rest do what I could never do.

It was the only way, the only way to let her go.

I told myself not to look at her, that it would hurt, though I slipped frequently. It was like teaching a child. Whatever you told them not to do; they did, even if they got hurt in the end. The pain was worth it, yet at the same time the opposite.

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Obviously, she knew something was going on, _she's perceptive_, said a person on the inside. The more I looked at her, the more that inside voice screamed.

Oh, that isn't right. It hurts.

That can't happen. I needed to stay together for a little longer, until I was gone. When I was gone, it wouldn't matter if I wasn't whole, I understood. What's empty cannot be whole.

I began to empty myself. It was time, now, the person inside said. They were yelling, though, but I couldn't hear them. Something clouded over their yells.

"Come for a walk with me," I said. The voice did not have any emotion. That was good, I knew. I wasn't supposed to have any. I didn't know how to, anyways.

I took her small hand, and the voice yelled again. Her hand was warm. Something pulled in me, yet I was still numb. I was still numb. I was still dead.

I pulled her into the forest until something told my legs they needed to stop. I didn't control them, or anything. The voice inside of me was crying. I looked at the girl standing in front of me. _Bella_, the inside told me. Bella. I said that name silently. Bella. The person inside was sobbing now. Screaming. He wasn't happy, I realized. But something was telling me what to say.

"Okay, let's talk," she said, trying to make her voice brave.

I took a deep breath.

"Bella, we're leaving," the voice said. They didn't sound sad, I thought, like the voice inside of me. They were quiet now, listening.

"Why now? Another year—"

The inside voice shuddered at that. It hurt me that time, a strange pain. That was something that couldn't happen. I cut her off again, "Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

The person inside was throbbing. It wasn't supposed to show, but I was beginning to feel it. They weren't supposed to come out. They were locked inside. Still putting on the show, no matter what. My ribs hurt from the person inside, but I wasn't allowed to let it show. That wouldn't do.

I saw the light bulb click in her head.

"When you say _we_—," her voice was quiet, which made him scream more. My ears hurt. It blurred my vision.

"I mean my family and myself."

I watched her, shaking her head back and forth. I just stared at her.

"Okay," she said. "I'll come with you."

He broke out into a sob again, but abrubtly stopped, and whispered something._ To make her safe_, he said. To make her safe.

"You can't Bella. Where we're going… It's not the right place for you." The voice told her. The person inside cried still.

"Where you are is the right place for me." _No_, the voice said. He was beginning to get through. No, that wouldn't do. He couldn't come out yet.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." The voice said, still sounding dead.

"Don't be ridiculous, you're the very best part of my life." No, my whole body said. She couldn't say that. How dare she say that. It caused so much pain. The voice was yelling again. Louder, now. Not words, just cries.

"My world is not for you." _To make her safe_, the voice was saying again.

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right," I told her. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"

"As long as that was best for you," the voice told her. Her face caused things to clench and unclench inside, caused the person inside to try to come out. No, no no no. They couldn't. Their sobs shook through me.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" she started yelling, "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

Something told me not to look at her anymore. That the person inside was getting too strong.

Suddenly, the person on the inside took me over. Though they didn't yell or scream like they did on the inside.

Slowly, I lifted the walls I built up over the past few days. Before anything could escape, I turned them off, making steel walls in their place—unbreakable. Completely.

Though my dead heart no longer beats, it still feels. I turned that off as well.

There was no person on the outside or person on the inside. There was no one anymore. There was nothing. I was no longer locked inside; I was just no longer _there_. Only for a little while, someone said. Until this was done.

I began to feel the effects of my shut down. Numbness took over, and I was glad for it. It shook away the pain, leaving only emptiness. I'd take this emptiness over the pain that tortured my ribs any day.

I didn't feel like I was in my frozen body anymore; but rather that I was a bystander, just watching the scene through my bodies eyes. No connection to what was going on at all.

I looked at her then. I didn't feel anything. Anything at all.

I started talking, telling lies with no emotion.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." My voice sounded distant, and I could barely tell it was me talking. I felt the numbness wash through me, like an icy fire. I welcomed it completely.

"You… don't…want me?" Her voice was confused and layered with agony. I didn't feel it, though. Not at all.

"No." I told her.

Her brown eyes looked into mine, searching. I stared back, unfeeling. She was searching, but there was nothing to find.

There was nothing of me left.

"Well, that changes things."

I looked away from her. Something was telling me that I couldn't look at her face while I spoke.

"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… _tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I allowed myself to look back at her now; still sure no emotion was on my face. I felt no emotion behind my face. Was there anything behind my face?

"Don't… don't do this." I just stared at her. Something broke through the walls looking at her broken face, but didn't show yet on my face. I shoved it back, further than it had been before, so I could continue.

"You're not good for me, Bella."

She opened her mouth, then closed it again. I waited, feeling no sense of time. Time meant nothing anymore. Why would I need time, if I had nothing. If I was nothing.

"If… that's what you want."

I felt my head nod once. It shook my whole body, painfully.

The same thing that broke through my walls a moment ago came back again, and I identified it again. _To make her safe_, the memory said. It flickered something in my dead chest, but I ignored it. I didn't care.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

I looked down at her, and the flicker in my chest fired up, so quickly I wasn't able to stop it. It felt it shoot through my body; pain, anguish, and a need. A need to keep that memory. I only needed to keep one, little thing. _To make her safe._

I shoved it back again, but it didn't fade away or get locked inside this time, but stayed floating with me, though it no longer showed on my face.

"Anything," Bella said, and it sounded like a promise. I'd made promises too, I remembered. Promises meant nothing, I should know that.

_To make her safe. To make her safe._ The memory was yelling at me now, and slowly I felt it taking over, allowing a few other things to slip between the cracks in my walls. I watched her, knowing that she saw the change in my features. I knew that to get these memories away again, I had to do what they wanted.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," they said, and I recognized the voice. It was my voice, the voice I used to have before it was locked away with my heart. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded, and numbness reigned over me once again. It felt good—this numbness. I welcomed it. I was happy to be sleeping.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him." I told her again, covering up for my memory's talking. I couldn't allow her to see through it.

"I will," she whispered, nodding.

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

I didn't like this. Something rejected it, completely. It was not right. My knees pulled downward, my chest wanted to heave.

But I stood my ground, bringing forth more numbness. I would deal with the pain later, when I was gone. I'd accept it then.

I made my lips pull up at the corners—it felt strange, I wasn't supposed to be smiling, my muscles rejected it. I held them up anyways. "Don't worry. You're human—you're memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" I made myself bring on more numbness, blocking out the torment in her voice.

"Well… I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted." I pulled the smile on again. It didn't fit right.

I took a step back, though I couldn't feel my legs doing it, it felt like I was being pushed. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

"Alice isn't coming back." A human wouldn't have heard her, she spoke so quietly she was almost mouthing the words, but I was able to.

Her whisper caught something in my throat.

I just nodded my head slowly, staring at her and the voice shot back to me. It was back, this inside voice, stuck inside now.

"Alice is gone?" We are from different worlds, though, I reminded myself.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

I watched her as she thought. It was time to go now. Inside, he sank to the ground. Outside, I stood tall.

"Goodbye, Bella," the words opened a fresh new wave of pain to the inside voice, and there was nothing I could do to keep it from affecting me.

"Wait!" she yelled. She reached her arms for me, walking towards me. No. I couldn't have that happening, either. She wasn't supposed to do that.

Inside, he grew abrupty quiet. Not just quiet, but silent. The first time he had been anywhere near quiet. He watched, and he imagined to be reaching for her, too. As a goodbye, he was thinking.

Then, I locked my hands around her wrists and pinned them to her sides.

I was too close to stop it. I leaned down and very lightly, pressed my lips to her forehead. A farewell gesture. The last time, a promise to her and to myself.

My eyes fell shut, as a fresh wave of pain went through me. It would be over soon, though, I was told. "Take care of yourself," I breathed.

And then I turned away, and the inside voice was no where to be heard.

He wasn't inside of me anymore.

Because I left my heart on the ground beside her.

My legs started going. They went, and they went, and they didn't want to stop. I watched them move, but I didn't see them. I didn't see anything.

That stupid, stupid, inside voice ran behind me. Always a step behind, yelling something. I didn't pay attention to hear what they were crying about.

I didn't know where I was going, but that had no matter, no matter at all. I couldn't think of anything that did matter. That had anything significance.

Eventually, I stopped dead. This was not right. It was wrong. I wasn't supposed to be here. My knees stung, my chest thumped, mocking my unbeating heart.

"Edward," my sister's voice echoed in my head, and it take a few moments to realize she was walking beside me. I wondered how long she had been walking there, but it didn't matter.

"Edward," she repeated, and I noticed we had stopped walking. I couldn't focus my eyes enough to take note of where we were. "Maybe… this isn't the best idea. You know Bella, she'll get into trouble. Disasters _find_ her, she needs you—"

"Bella promised." It didn't register that I was going to talk until a few moments after the words came out. They sounded empty, too.

"Don't be looking for her future, either," I warned her. I'd stick to that promise. "We've done enough damage."

"Edward, you don't—"

She cut off completely when I turned to her. I didn't know why she looked at me like that, but I could assume it was my face. Her face switched from horror to sadness.

I listened to her thoughts, yet I didn't _hear_ them. I heard nothing anymore.

I wondered for a second what she saw there, but I couldn't concentrate on it too long. Soon my mind was gone again. My mind didn't even want to be with me, I was already to empty.

I told her I had to leave. Did I say it out loud? Who knew. I didn't. She would understand. Maybe she wouldn't. I didn't know. I didn't care.

Without another glance towards my sister, I began walking again. I didn't know if she said anything, or if I did. It didn't matter.

So I kept walking. But only for a little.

Then I was running. I was going faster than ever. With the inside person always one step behind, still one step behind. Never fully with me. They tried, but I didn't let them.

They were sobbing, an angry yell as they ran after me. The scream was horrible, erupted by bursts of sobs and aching torture. I listened, for once, to see what he was saying.

_To make her safe_, he cried.

_Just to make her safe._

**If you didn't understand that I'm sorry. Baaasically he is going crazy with pain. There were probably mistakes… I don't like reading over my stuff after I write it. It's a thing. I apologize if that blew**


	2. Chapter 2

"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

This time, it started in my legs. I felt in begin to build, slowly, at first, then quickly shoot up through me. I gasped as it reached my core, then shook through my arms and flew up my neck.

And each time, the pain got worse.

I thought again about the numbness I used to have, and pleaded with it to come back. It was gone still. It was some karma, telling me that I deserved the pain. If numbness ever came back, the pain simply burnt it all away.

"Damn it." I murmured, as remembering the pain brought more on. It poured over me, blocking my vision and tearing into the place my heart used to be.

It was empty there, so the pain was much worse.

I followed procedure. I knew what came next after the pain waves. I closed my eyes and hugged my arms tightly around my abdomen in preparation.

I'd seen this picture plenty of times before, it starred often. Still, it hurt worse. Worse and worse, every time.

I took in her brown eyes first, a flash of pain. I moved to take over her whole face, soft a pink, and another flash of pain. I hugged myself tighter. My muscles pulsed.

"_You… don't…. want me?"_ the memory asked me. I watched her through my memories eyes, and let myself dig my grave deeper as.

I watched as the memory caught fire on the edges and dancing to the core, ending up in a pile of ashes. No phoenix would rise out of these.

I peeled my eyelids open. I pulled my legs up toward my chest mechanically;

Then came the next part. It started in my chest, as usual. Slowly, it expanded, sending vines of pain throughout my veins. I cringed inward, trying to hold myself together, though there was nothing to hold together anymore.

Then a shudder came through me as a sob escape my already trembling lips. I was glad, as always, that I was alone. I didn't want anyone to see me so vulnerable, so helpless. So empty. But, I figured, if someone did see me, if someone was here, I probably wouldn't even notice. So empty.

But empty I was, and empty I'd remain. The final sob of the moment shook through me, and I released myself. I threw my head forward, smashing it into the wall. I pulled back, staring at the large dent in the wood. I felt no pain from it. I did it again, dying for this pain. I needed this pain to cover up the other pain, the worse pain. Anything at all to make that pain go away.

In some strange, demented part of my mind, I didn't want to pain to go away. Because, I deserved it, didn't I? I had made the wrong decisions, now these were the consequences. What would I do without the pain? What would I concentrate on?

So I closed my eyes again and lay there, focusing on the pain. Feeling each string of pain shoot throughout my body, starting in my chest, going out, and coming back in again. Flying freely in the emptiness. Then repeating.

I slowly drifted into my own version of unconsciousness.

I came back again at some point. I tried to count how long I'd been in that state, but nothing came to me. It felt like decades, though it felt like seconds. It could have been either, for all I knew.

In those 'slumbers' I had, it was like watching a movie through my mind. It was her, only her. I watched through my evil memory that refused to put her away, I watched as she looked at me from across the cafeteria, as she denied everyone else's dates for the dance, as she was almost killed by a car, as she was almost murdered by one of my kind. I watched as I told her I didn't want her.

Here I lay, knees against my chest, against a corner in some old, forgotten shed. The shed was like me. It didn't have anyone anymore, it had no light. So here it was, sitting alone, waiting as it slowly came to ruins.

I stared the wooden wall, counting the splinters in it. I got to fourteen and stopped.

There was no way to distract myself. Nothing could take away the pain.

I had a few fantasies in mind of the life she was now living, or would be living soon. It was how I spent me time—thinking, imagining, digging deeper into my self suffering. She'd get over me soon. I'd made sure of that; I had been very thorough. Yet here _I_ was, never to be made whole again.

The first idea was that she stayed in Forks. In this fantasy she would date Tyler, or Eric, or Mike Newton. She'd laugh with Jessica and Angela. She'd _live_. Maybe, every now and then, she'd think about me. Maybe she'd even wonder where I was, or if she'd ever see me again. I didn't want her to, but maybe she would. But as soon as she'd think about it, she'd dismiss it. Remembering how silly she was to trick herself to fall in love with someone like me. She would realize that a life with me was never a life that she could be happy living. She'd get married one day, maybe become Isabella Newton. Mike Newton would keep her safe; she no longer had things to harm her. _I_ harmed her. She'd have a child one day, maybe a few. Her parents would be so happy to have grandchildren. And she would be ecstatic to be a mother. She'd never be a mother with me.

The next one was much the same, but that she left Forks. She'd probably go to Jacksonville, though the location varied sometimes in different fantasies. In Jacksonville, she'd be able to lie in the sun, soak in the warmth and light. There'd be no need to worry about staying in the cover of the clouds. She'd talk freely with new people, never needing to worry about lies or worry about protecting another family's secrets.

I pulled myself out of these visions that tormented my sleepless nightmares, and looked at my nails, dug into the wall and floor. There were other holes and marks there too. All around me. I wondered how often I did that without noticing. I didn't register much anymore.

I was so cold. There was nothing to keep me warm again. Everything that had once been inside had left, never to return. I hated myself, fully. Why didn't I kill myself? Why, why, did I make myself live?

For her, a voice told me. I promised to her that she'd never see me again. Never have to see gold or red eyes again in her life. But I couldn't go, not just yet. I'd wait until she passed, when she was old and warm and gray. Then, I'd follow after her.

So I sent myself away again, pulling away my mind so I couldn't think, and I went to live in my nightmares. With a pool of pain, instead of stepping out, I chose to swim.

So I swam, looking everywhere for my warmth. But it was gone. So gone. And I hurt, so much. I couldn't feel anything. I tried to feel, to see, to hear, but there was nothing there. Nothing at all.


End file.
